How to Cope While Loving an Addict or Alcoholic

Being in a relationship takes work no matter what the circumstances, and loving an alcoholic adds an entirely different set of challenges to the equation.

There are mental health risks for both partners, subtle and overt physical scares, and the need to address the substance use disorder head-on.

This can be exhausting, draining, and terrifying for many people in similar situations; you are not alone. If you or one of your family members is in a relationship with someone who suffers from alcohol use disorder, here are some ways you can cope with it personally while simultaneously encouraging recovery for you and your partner.

Short-Term Plans for Dealing with an Addict or Alcoholic You Love

The path of inaction for both the family or partner and the one with a substance or alcohol use disorder is not sustainable. When problems stemming from alcohol use are present, it should be considered a serious disease or medical condition that requires both alcohol users and those affected to seek treatment.

We understand it often takes great resolve to admit or accept the problem, address your partner, seek help for yourself, and intervene in the alcohol user and their destructive behaviors. There are most likely components of your life that are negatively affected by your partner’s substance abuse, and we understand the need to be able to address them effectively.

With the health of you, your partner, and your relationship in mind, we advise these short-term solutions and coping mechanisms:

Don’t blame yourself: It is commonplace to wonder if this is your fault or if you have been complicit in letting the addiction manifest. Codependency and enabling are detrimental things that a partner can be a part of, and these are rarely done on purpose or with premeditated malice.

Please try to recognize that addiction is not a matter of pointing fingers. The most effective path is seeking professional help and not trying to correct or diagnose the problem yourself or with the substance user.

Remain hopeful: At this moment, chances are far greater that the partner or family is in a better position to make effective decisions with professional guidance than the substance user. The substance user in their flooded state and hijacked mind is most often the least qualified to lead the group towards a solution.

With that in mind, pulling together as a group and realizing addiction is a medical condition that can be treated may bring hope to an otherwise hopeless situation. With an effective solution a substance user, their family or partner can lead fulfilling lives after effective treatment starts for both sides. 

Engage in self-help groups and recovery resources for families: Being among others going through similar struggles and building new human connections can benefit your well-being. If the substance user is not going to take the first step, those affected most certainly can. It is often said the substance user has to want help or hit bottom. Why aren’t families told the same thing? Why is it always about them?

A family getting better can greatly increase the substance user’s opportunities to seek help as well. It will also strengthen a family’s ability to do something different and become less afraid to confront the situation and intervene. Any positive steps you take for yourself can help your significant other with their recovery from an alcohol or substance use disorder.

Stress can compromise daily routines, other relationships, work, eating well, sleeping enough, and exercise. Unwell people are not always the most qualified to help other unwell people. The stronger and healthier you are, the greater your opportunity to help yourself and your loved one more effectively.

Most coping skills, whether effective or maladaptive, are acquired and learned over time. Some are instinctive and learned behaviors from our family of origin. The substance or alcohol user equally does a good job of teaching their loved ones how to behave to provide them continued comfort. They are good at flipping the script, having others believe they are victims, and somehow blaming others for their struggles with substance or alcohol use.

Through intervention, counseling, therapy, and support groups, you can become well, and so can they. When faced with a decision, it is important to ask yourself: “Is what I am about to do going to provide them comfort, or is it going to hold them accountable for their actions?” If the decision is to comfort them, ask yourself why it is and what it ultimately does for you.

Things to Consider Not Doing in a Relationship With an Addict or Alcoholic

Enable: Enabling can often begin as what you perceive as being helpful to a person in need. If you are helping your partner out of bad situations caused by addiction, it is actually hurting you both long-term. Providing financial assistance, making excuses for them, and preventing them from facing real-life consequences are all common forms of enabling and can prevent them from being held accountable. Most people do not fix problems they do not have. The more you enable, the less likely they see the need to change. 

Control: While the urge will be there to control or stop certain behaviors, this is ultimately detrimental. Your partner must be the catalyst for their own change, especially while avoiding compulsive behavior. Controlling behavior will make a partner feel trapped or reclusive and can exacerbate issues. The more you try and control them, the less control you will have. The sooner you learn to let go of believing you can control your loved one’s behavior or substance use, the sooner you can start your own recovery to regain control over your own life. 

Make excuses: If you think about it, making excuses for them just provides an extension of their own dishonesty. Now, you’re being dishonest to them. It is almost like they manipulated you to be their spokesperson to cosign their unhealthy lifestyle. Don’t make excuses for your partner or their behavior. This is unhealthy for you and, in turn, does not help them. What is making excuses for them doing for you, and why do you need to avoid the conversation with others? It is never suggested that you put their life out there for the world to hear and see, nor is it suggested that you proactively harm them by telling others about their business. The goal is not to allow you to become sick by living a lie but to help them by being accountable for their actions. To move through the stages of change, the substance user has to recognize a need for change. Making excuses and covering for them prevents them from this. If you make excuses for their behavioral lapses (missing work or social functions, illnesses, etc.), it reinforces that their behaviors are acceptable.

Create unrealistic expectations: It is not your job to fix, cure, or control a person who has problems related to alcohol use. Believing if they just get a job, pay off their bills, move to a new location, or start exercising this will all go away can be an unrealistic expectation. Most people with a substance or alcohol use disorder classified as moderate or severe will not be successful with these methods in and of themselves. 

Addressing the symptoms and not the behavior often fails miserably. Believing that addressing the symptoms is a viable solution can be an unrealistic expectation for family, partners, and substance or alcohol users. Professional help is recommended through support groups, therapy, counseling, and intervention. Most of the resentments you currently have are likely due to the expectations you set that your loved one or yourself did not meet.

Actions You Should Consider

Seek professional help: There are many forms of professional help for families and partners with a loved one affected by alcohol. Having a consultation with a professional drug and alcohol interventionist is the first step towards creating a plan for you and your family members or partner’s recovery from alcohol addiction.

Intervention is highly effective and can provide an accurate assessment of the severity of the alcohol problem while addressing the effect on the family system. Intervention can also address underlying conditions and factors that play a part in addiction and determine the appropriate level of care for the treatment plan. Other considerations, such as family recovery coaching, continued support, relapse prevention, and warning signs, are also discussed. 

Stage an intervention: In staging an intervention, you are providing yourself and your family closure, knowing that you did all you could to help yourself and your loved one. Often people believe the intervention is an isolated event that involves talking a substance or alcohol user into treatment.

Although a small part of the process, an intervention is a process that involves family to increase the opportunity for your loved one to be held accountable and allow a greater opportunity for success. If the addiction only affected the person using alcohol or drugs, then the method of talking them into treatment could be an effective approach.

Those who understand addiction and what it does to a family system also understand that to neglect the family would be negligent on the part of any professional who chooses only to focus on the substance or alcohol user. Interventions always occur in crises and come in various forms.

When a family takes the lead to stage an intervention on their terms, they avoid further heartache for themselves and their loved one. They are helping their loved one avoid other intervention methods that happen beyond one’s control. 

Hold them accountable: To see a need for change requires seeing things that must be changed. When a substance user is not held accountable for his or her actions, they become entitled and see far less of a problem.

Nobody is suggesting you go out of your way to create consequences for the substance user. We are suggesting that if they decide to engage in risky behavior, then any consequences should become their responsibility and not yours.

If they choose to continue using substances after a family has offered them an alternative solution, then any decisions they make after that should be addressed by them. The accountability they gain from this helps them see the need for change and helps them understand that their actions have consequences they are responsible for and not you. Until they are responsible for those consequences, they may not feel the need to do something different.

Most people abusing alcohol in a relationship are not proactively trying to hurt themselves or their significant other. They are up against a medical condition that often requires intervention and treatment.

Alcohol addiction is powerful and almost always requires a treatment plan formulated by a professional that is to be followed for the situation to improve. Fortunately, addiction recovery is available, as are recovery resources.

There is no lack of resources to help those with an addiction and those affected by the addiction. Unfortunately, there is often a lack of initiative to utilize the available resources. A professional intervention can start the healing process for all parties involved.

Tips for Coping with an Alcoholic or Addict

When your spouse, significant other, or any other family member has a problem with alcohol, drugs, or a mental illness, you have choices. The foundation for recovery from alcohol or drug addiction is looking at what can be done to change behavior and perception. The world seems to gravitate towards the victim mentality. There is often very little ownership of what someone may have done to put themselves in their position. Our first instinct as humans is to point fingers, find fault in others, and take others’ inventory. Very few people find themselves in a problem and default to looking at themselves and exploring their motives and intentions as to how they got there. Many people lead selfishly, and others lead with ego. You can’t try to control someone or something; when you realize you can’t, you blame them to cover up your intentions and motives. The first tip is understanding that you cannot control your loved one, but you can control yourself. With this action, you help your loved one move through the stages of the recovery process. Recovery for both family and substance users will focus on this point. What can I do to address the problem, and what have I done to allow myself and my loved ones to reach this point? In other words, as the substance user finds the reasons for their behavior in treatment, the intended patient and family surrounding them must do the same.

The longer you wait to detach from your loved one, the worse it will get and the more difficult it will be for you to do something about the problem. Trying to fix, manage, or control your spouse or loved one will not solve your problem or help you. Most people who are in a relationship with an alcoholic or addict knew something was off ahead of time. Some will try to tell us they had no clue, and when you dissect the story, you realize there were many warning signs. Even if you find this untrue or invalid, you know now, so what will you do about it? If you stay in the relationship, you must take ownership of that and lose your right to complain away as a martyr. Making excuses or raising objections not to do an intervention while shooting down all suggested solutions is on you. We are not saying your loved one or spouse’s problem is your fault, and we are saying that staying in the relationship if they do not get better is your choice. These are the choices you must make. Stay with them and do not complain about how miserable it is or do something about it. As easy as we make that sound, we understand how hard that is to do, and those are your options. 

Here are some tips, suggestions, and considerations families and spouses must make if their loved one is an alcoholic or addict:

• Decide if you are going to accept the addiction and destructive behaviors or not
  
• If you are not going to accept the addiction and destructive behaviors, then don’t wait to act; the longer you wait, the harder it will be
  
• Don’t wait for other family members to agree and get on board with the intervention; The only people needed at an intervention are those who want to be and who agree with it
  
• Detach, set boundaries, and stop enabling; wait for professional guidance on when to do this and how
  
• Spouses must understand both their loved ones, and they are not martyrs or victims; stop playing that role while complaining to everyone and act
  
• Realize your loved one is not going to get better without seeing consequences to their choices
  
• Stop waiting for them to ask for help, want help, or hit bottom; you and your family are at the bottom, so act first

The intervention is for people who want a better life for their loved ones and themselves. If you are ready for change and other family members are not, leave them out of it. Do not allow unhealthy family members to play out dysfunctional family roles with a hidden agenda. Doing so will take away your ability to try and help your loved one and yourself.

Intervention for an Addict or Alcoholic Loved One

At Family First Intervention, we address the substance user’s needs as well as those affected. Using evidence-based treatment strategies and following ASAM criteria allows us to follow the science and the effective methods available. Our team of Intervention Counselors creates treatment plans for the family and assists in the rehabilitation of the alcoholic.

We understand from firsthand experience how significant a role the family plays in addiction. Our research shows that if only the substance user enters recovery and the family does not, the results are not as effective. When both sides enter recovery, the results are far more successful in the short and long term.

Reach out today to start a conversation about making your future better for you and your loved ones.