Understanding Alcoholism Within Families

Alcoholism and drug addiction devastate family systems. Anyone reading this article or watching the associated video is most likely filled with anxiety and fears of the unknown. While many believe alcoholism and drug addiction are diseases, most believe the problem stems from generational family of origin dysfunction and beliefs. Whether or not it is a disease, the disease model has not been proven; the family of origin behaviors and dysfunction have been. If I were to ask a family who and what they thought the problem was, they would all point to the alcoholic—and rightfully so; partially anyway. From a family systems theory perspective, and through ongoing counseling through our S.A.F.E. ® Intervention & family recovery coaching program, you will learn that your resentments and your anger were not solely with the alcoholic or drug addict. They were actually with the other family members—and here’s why.

Understanding Dysfunction in Families and How It Impacts The Entire Family System

When you have an alcoholic or a drug addict in a family system, their job is to create chaos and drama. The family’s job, starting with the primary enabler, is to react to the chaos and drama of the alcoholic. The reaction from the rest of the family is that they are affected by the actions of the enabler and acquire maladaptive family roles. This chain reaction sets the wheels in motion to dismantle the family system.  When that primary enabler starts to divert more attention—and much of their attention—to the alcoholic, other people in the family suffer because they lose a piece of that person. To compensate for their loss of attention, affirmation, and human connection, they adopt unhealthy coping mechanisms and take on maladaptive family roles. The family roles do not define who you are; they’re temporary, and they will go away once the alcoholic or drug addict gets to treatment and the primary enabler changes course. Family roles are not a diagnosis nor a label you will carry on. However, as long as the enabler continues, even after the alcoholic is in treatment, they will keep the family system out of balance and compromise the other’s healing process. Enabling is not as simple as what happens to the alcoholic when they are enabled. The truth about enabling is that it has a significant impact on the alcoholic’s chances of sobriety and the family’s ability to heal. 

When the ripple effect of enabling starts to dismantle the family, family members start breaking apart into different positions, viewpoints, and opinions. Family members will not be on the same page and will have various solutions for addressing the alcoholic.

“Families tell us daily, ‘Oh yes, everyone is on board with the intervention. That comment has never once been true, ever. Families may be on the same page with the fact that there is a problem, and that is about as far as that gets. Even when some families are close to the same page, their acquired family roles still try to fight the process somewhere, somehow.” 

When we schedule interventions, we often exclude other family members from the decision process. We help those on the front lines who made the initial call. We do include other family members after the intervention has been confirmed. We do this because it shifts the conversation with other family members from their opinion to availability. Dysfunctional family members can and will talk the others out of an unscheduled intervention. They can not and will not remove you from an already set-up intervention. If we include the whole family simultaneously, too many people will fight the process because they’ll cling to the role they’ve adopted.

“Over 95% of the time, when family members include others who do not need to be included in the decision of doing an intervention, the intervention never happens. The more family you include in the decision, the further you get from a decision. This doesn’t mean the others will not be at the intervention. It means you do not need their opinion or permission to intervene.” 

Families Are More Worried About Their Loved One Saying No To Treatment Than Addressing The Underlying Issues

Never once, in my career or with any other person that has been part of Family First Intervention, have we heard a family ask us “what if they say yes to treatment”? The one question they ask every time is, What if they say no? Families do not realize that it is not really what they are asking. When we address the question or if we bring it up first, they end up asking us at least one, often twice, the same question. The reason for this is what the question tells us as professionals about where the family is at and what is going on. The question of what if they say no stems from the illusion of control, anxiety, fear, and the unknown outcome of an intervention. Families say they want things better, yet their behavior and resistance to an intervention tell us otherwise. What is going on is that the family is more afraid of addressing their underlying issues than they are of the alcoholic or drug addict. It is true, families do not hear our solution; they listen to us trying to change, take away, or control theirs. As long as a family stays in the situation, they can fulfill their acquired maladaptive family role and coping skills and continue to believe they are in control of the problem. If a family does not change the situation, they can continue to follow an illusion that they are getting ahead of things or making progress at addressing the problem themselves. 

“For families, it is easier to stay the same than change. When a family asks us, “What if they say no?” you ask What happens to me after we do this?”

In a family system, an alcoholic will rip a family apart. And what ends up happening is that the more logic, thought, and ideas that come in, the less likely a family is to form logic and come up with a solution. The family fears turn to anxieties, and then you ask, “What if our loved one says no?” What is more interesting about this question is its timing. No family starts off asking the question; they ask the question at a specific point in the conversation. The question comes at about when the family starts to realize they have no control over the situation and that they will have to have someone else step in to help them. 

“The family says no to an intervention ten times more than their loved ones do at the intervention. Families will make more excuses for their loved ones than their loved ones will make during the intervention. Families resist intervention far more often than the person using alcohol or drugs resists treatment and help.”

Alcohol Addiction Impacts Children More Than Families Think

The greatest falsehood ever told about children who are victimized in a household where alcoholism and drug addiction are present is that they will not remember anything. Not only is this false, but it is clinically untrue. Brain development starts in the mother’s womb and is greatly affected during early childhood. There is something called implicit memory, which is memory without the visual recall. Trauma and stress affect brain development, and children growing up in this type of environment are put at high risk for developing destructive behaviors, mental and substance use disorders. Alcoholism, drug addiction, and mental illness come from a generational family of origin dysfunction and learned and observed behavior, even in the years before a child can remember events. How substance use affects children is that it exponentially increases the child’s probability of having challenges and difficulties into adulthood. If you cannot do an intervention for the intended patient, do it for the children. 

Children in households where mental and substance use disorders are present are going to be affected forever. At the very least, it will change how they treat others, how they want to be treated, how they love, who they love, and who they seek as a partner.  It will change the way they raise their children, and they will carry on the generational family of origin dysfunction that came before them. There will be an increase in their ability and/or the probability that they will commit crimes. Later in life, the children will become overwhelmingly resentful of the one parent who did not rescue them and address the other parent’s problem. They will be angry at both parents who did not protect them. They will believe that this all happened because of them. That is what you will be allowing if you do not address the problem sooner rather than later.

Alcoholism Creates Generational Dysfunction in Families

People always ask me, “Why do you do this?” Rather than state the obvious answer of “to help people”, I tell them we do this to rewrite the script for the generational family of origin dysfunction and belief system. Alcoholism, drug addiction, mental illness, and behavior are generational, dysfunctional patterns, whether they are observed or not. A lot of generation dysfunction lies in implicit memory and cannot even be realized. Many people talk about and believe in the disease model of addiction, and nobody’s ever proven that theory. To better understand alcoholism and drug addiction within families, we look at the sociocultural model and Dr. Gabor Maté’s Trauma Model.  Maté believes addiction and mental health are the passing on of generational dysfunction, thoughts, ideas, negative experiences, traumas, horror, and human suffering. The disease model of addiction pushes the narrative that the patient is a victim. The disease model says you did not cause the problem and can not be cured. The sociocultural model believes it doesn’t matter what caused it; it can be fixed, and you won’t fix anything if you’re told you can not or think you’re a victim. The disease model has led the patient and their treatment providers to look at them differently. It has changed treatment, and not for the better. Success rates have never been lower under this model.

Victims say, “Why me?”

Survivors say, “What’s next?”

Earlier in this article, we addressed implicit memory. It’s memory without the recall. There are a lot of people who have trauma, and they don’t recall why or where it came from. Implicit memory comes from early childhood and during the mother’s pregnancy. Stress and trauma have a profound impact on the brain development of a child. The disease model looks good on paper and is highly profitable. It allows medical professionals, psychiatric hospitals, and treatment centers to diagnose and bill insurance. It paints the patient as a victim and that what is happening is not their fault. Whether it is a disease or generational family of origin dysfunction, calling it a disease and assigning labels is not a practical solution. Most substance use and mental disorder agencies focus on the diagnosis and the symptoms, and do not address the cause of the behaviors. Many go off the history of past diagnoses, never formulating their thoughts. They just run with what is there in most cases. They rarely question whether or not the diagnosis is accurate or whether the patient is improving under the diagnosis and medication management protocol. There is no money for addressing the behavior; the money is for the diagnosis, medication, and returning patient. The system has been built for continued supervision, medication, and diagnosis. Our statements may seem radical, but they are true. The recovery rates before the disease model in 1960 were exponentially higher than today. If you keep telling someone they have a disorder and they will never get better, you prevent the person from getting better, and you create a victim. When the clinician believes the patient is the most qualified person to know what they need, success rates suffer.

One of the taglines on our website and in the paperwork we send you says, “We look forward to the day when the healing of the family is at least as important as the healing of the substance user.” Many professionals today focus on the patient whom they see as the victim. They forget what happens to a family when an alcoholic or drug addict, with or without mental disorders, walks through the doors of the treatment center. The professionals forget the wake of destruction left outside the door and all of the victims in the patient’s life that they have hurt. It is common for a clinician today to turn their client against their family and to cut the family out of the treatment plan and process. The patient is acting out their generational family of origin dysfunction and is doing everything they can to hurt the people who love them the most. Rather than address that, today’s postmodern approach therapist fuels that fire. The patient’s primary job is to break those they feel are the cause of their pain. The disease model and blame towards other factors build on the victim mentality, and the patient can not look inward at themselves because they are too busy pointing fingers at everyone and everything else. Today’s treatment often perpetuates the problem and solidifies the victim mentality. Today’s professional is well-versed in the victim disease model, counseling, and therapy that comes from this perspective, and then wonders why their success rates are so low. They then blame the system. The oxymoron is that it is the system they have created. 

The next time you hear that the children aren’t affected, or are too young to remember, that is untrue. The next time someone tells you it is a disease and not their fault, I hope you can look at that differently. The next time you make this all about your loved one with a substance use or mental disorder, we hope you realize that much of your actions as a family have paved the way for where you all are now. We are not saying it is the family’s fault; we are saying everyone has significant changes to make. If you can’t bring yourself to do this intervention for your loved one because of your fears and your anxiety, I understand—I mean, I don’t, and I do. If there are children present, you need to drop the excuses. Whether it is a disease or a generational family of origin dysfunction, it is a treatable condition, even though the disease model doesn’t believe it is. Every day that you’re allowing this to continue, thinking this is a disease and the patient has to want it, you are devastating the children, and you’re allowing them to play out that dysfunction that they’re living in on a day-to-day basis. They will eventually pass this behavior and belief system onto the next generation. We can help you stop the generational dysfunction. Interventions are more than just a speech that brings your loved one to treatment. They are about addressing everyone and anything that compromises a successful outcome for both the family and their loved one who has a substance use or mental disorder.