What If They Say No During Drug Or Alcohol Intervention?

At some point in a conversation with one of our professionals, your family or a family member will ask us what happens if they say no to the intervention. Having done interventions since 2005, I can’t recall a time when a family member had not asked us that question. So let’s break down what that means and where that question comes from. Our website, under the resources section, has an article called “Excuses For Not Doing an Intervention.” I have an entire section on people asking that question and why they do ask that question.

I first want family members to understand what “no” means. When they refuse help at an intervention and say no, they’re not saying no to treatment. They’re saying no to the fact that they’re not going to stop using substances. They’re going to continue in their untreated mental health disorders, and you are going to continue to put up with this the way that they see fit. A “no” to you is disrespectful. And when you think about it, when you have multiple family members, you have so much more strength as a group than you do as an individual. No, you will do as I say and continue living in the world I have presented for you. I need you to exist so I can do what I must—no means they say no to all help. You don’t get to pick and choose the help that you receive. So when enabling and codependency and resources are provided, you’re still attached to it even in situations without allowing. And I always want to point out that a family should be less worried about a no from their loved one, and their loved one should be far more concerned about a no from their family. Because remember, you’re signing on to their dysfunction by choice. You can detach from your loved one at any point in this journey.

One of the most complex parts that families must digest is that some people would prefer to hear a no, and I will explain why I said that. A yes means significant change for both you and your loved one. A yes is a world of the unknown. Most people live in a fear that they know and see. It’s real. It’s okay. But where they get stuck, just like their loved one, is the anxiety they attach to a fear. The woulda, coulda, shoulda’s, ifs, and buts. Stuff that has never happened. I don’t want to misquote Mark Twain, but he says, “I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, none of which ever happened.” And families sit there, and they create an anxiety in their minds of the situation that becomes so profound, they scare themselves from addressing the problem, and their only resolve is to go back to the known fear and the day-to-day routine that they’re comfortable in, because that’s what they’ve been doing.

So you’re worried about them saying no, and you’re saying no to professional help like ours for the same reasons as your loved one is. There’s a fear of change in that. If you were to come into our office and sit in our S.A.F.E.® Intervention & Family Recovery Coaching and see the different departments, and you saw the way families acted after an intervention when there’s a refusal of treatment versus the one where there’s an acceptance, you would most likely believe that the families whose loved one said no struggle far more. And that isn’t true.

Families struggle significantly more in the department in which the loved one accepted help than in the department where the loved one refused, because there’s a lot more work and change that occurs in that department. How long have you been living with a no? You know how to operate there. You don’t know how to operate in a healthy family system, where a yes will take you. So, rather than ask “What if they say no?” why don’t you ask, “How do you turn a no to a yes?” Because you’ll get a no at some point in the journey. Most people will say yes at the intervention, and then they’ll fight us when they get to treatment and try to leave against medical advice. You will hear a no at some point. So you have to be prepared for it.

Remember why your loved one says no to treatment or an intervention. It’s because they don’t want to stop getting high or acting out their dysfunctional behaviors by way of a mental disorder. They don’t believe you will follow through with your boundaries and consequences, and hold them accountable. That’s the big one. No matter what excuse they give me at the intervention, it will always come back to those two things. Just like with you guys watching the video, you will come up with a ton of excuses not to do this, and it will all come back to the anxiety you’ve put on top of the fear, because the change is what paralyzes you.

It’s the same thing with your loved one. They say no because they’re afraid of what life will be like when they’re sober. You’re so scared of what life will look like in a healthy family system because that has not been something you have seen in a long time. I have gotten in front of families on the phone and said, “What if they say no?” And I asked the question. And there’s silence. And then I’ll explain later in the conversation, almost like it’s a reflex. “What if they say no?” And I’ll say, “We’ve already gone over that.” It’s so inherent in your DNA that you’ve been living with a no, and you have no idea what it will be like if they say yes.

And that’s our job—to hold your hand, walk you through the real fear, reduce your anxieties of things that have not happened yet, and to help you guys move forward with this regardless of their decision. Because remember this: when they say no, they’re saying no to all help that you provide, not just the no at the intervention. And let’s start asking the question, “How do I turn that no to a yes?” And then let’s start looking at where the question is coming from. Are you prepared for a yes? Or do you silently and secretly want to stay in a no? And that’s the question we need to help you dissect.

I know you all want your loved ones to be better. I’m not saying anybody here is evil. But when you’ve been beaten over the head as long as you have, with the logical ideas and thoughts from this problem, your brain has lost the ability to form rational thoughts. So, you may be afraid of change because of your inability to create logic and the anxiety you’ve attached to the actual fear. That’s why you’re asking the question. Your loved one is in the same position.

They want help. That’s why they use substances. They want help. That’s why they act out their volatility in mental health disorders. Where their fear lies and why they say no is because they’re afraid of the unknown that comes with accepting help, just like your fear is the same with moving forward with an intervention, because it’s an unknown. And that’s what we’re here for: to walk you and your loved one through that. Let’s move the no to a yes.

Let’s be positive. Let’s be optimistic and start working on getting our family and loved ones where they need to be, turning that no into a yes.