Can a Marriage Survive Drug or Alcohol Addiction?

You know, when you’re married to a substance user, it’s devastating. You know, very similar to when moms call about their children, et cetera. You’re in it, and it’s difficult. The biggest thing you have to understand is that when you’re loved, when he’s using substances, they’re putting you second, and they’re making it all about them. And marriage is not about getting what you want exclusively; it’s about compromise. And there have to be boundaries, and there has to be accountability. And when you’re in a relationship, you’re married to somebody or just in a relationship with them, you have two choices. You either stay with them the way they are or leave. Those are your options unless they get sober. Because if they don’t get sober, the question turns to Why are you staying?

I can’t tell you how many people I’ve talked to who are married to an alcoholic, only to find out that one of their parents was also an alcoholic, and that’s why they’re staying. There’s some level of dysfunction as to why you allow yourself to remain in an emotionally abusive relationship. Some of them are even physical. Some of you have children, and your children are growing up in this type of environment.

Can the marriage survive?

It can, and they have to get sober, and you have to go through rigorous recovery yourself as the spouse. That’s why we have our S.A.F.E.® Family Recovery Coaching Program, which is to help families learn how to detach but also understand how the substance user thinks, the alcoholic, the drug addict, or the person with mental disorders. You will learn how to communicate. You will learn boundaries. You will learn accountability. You will learn the word no, and you will learn the warning signs of relapse because relapse doesn’t mean that they picked up a drink or took a smoke or whatever it is that they do.

Relapse starts with behavior, and you may not always know when your spouse is using, but you’ll always know when they’re not. So, to say that you can survive it, you absolutely can. But the first step is addressing it because if you’re watching this, you already know they won’t. And every single addict and alcoholic has to have consequences to see the need for change. It may involve you walking away for a minute and taking the kids. It may affect your setting a rigid boundary because to think that they’re just going to stop because you love them, it’s not going to happen. Many spouses will ask me, Why is it my love enough? If love or children were sufficient, we wouldn’t have jobs or rehab centers, and probably cut our law enforcement and court system costs by 50%. This would be easy if all you had to do were love somebody into rehab or sobriety. If having a child stopped people from excelling in their addiction or their alcoholism, this would be easy. For a marriage to survive or make it through alcoholism and drug addiction, it is going to require a lot of work on both sides. Your loved one will not go to rehab for 30 days and return the shiny new penny.

You know, the number one client that is pulled from treatment early is by a wife or a husband. It’s not by a mother, father, grandparent, uncle, or friend. It’s a spouse because their loved one goes to treatment for 30 days. They’re supposed to be there for 90, and you need them home. Spouses become martyrs and martyrs become victims, and victims are more worried about what’s going to happen to them than they are about their loved ones. It’s not your fault, but that’s what happens. You’re more worried about what will happen when they go to rehab than if they don’t.

You’re more concerned about whether they get sober and clear-headed, will they still love me?

What if they meet somebody in treatment?

What if they come home and decide they want a divorce?

How am I going to pay their bills when they’re gone?

What’s going to happen?

And it goes back to you having the fear of your spouse as an alcoholic or a drug addict, but then the anxiety that you put on that grips you in fear and makes you a martyr. It doesn’t define you or diagnose you. It’s temporary, but that’s where you are right now. Can it survive alcoholism and drug addiction in your marriage? When you stop being a martyr, you don’t pull them out of treatment early, and you start doing the heavy lifting in your recovery, and you let them stay in treatment as long as it takes, and you don’t think that your love and children are strong enough to get them sober. That’s how a marriage survives alcoholism and drug addiction.