Family Systems & Addiction: Why Families Don’t Seek Help From A Drug, Alcohol, or Mental Disorder Interventionist

Why Families Struggle With Helping Their Loved Ones with Addiction, Alcoholism, and Mental Disorders?

The family roles you will explore are the most significant barriers to family intervention. The challenge for us professionals is delicately balancing helping families and pointing out these acquired maladaptive family roles and behaviors. Families often believe the only problem is substance use and mental disorders, and if only that is addressed, all will be well. Families rarely realize that the problem is not solely their loved ones’ behaviors that cause the substance use and mental disorders, but also the family’s behaviors. Trying to get a broken family on the same page is more difficult than helping their loved one get to treatment. Families frequently come up with more excuses for the loved one when discussing the possibility of an intervention than their loved one will have at the actual intervention. Families’ number one question is, what if they say no? Most families say no to helping their loved ones because they are held back by a role they have acquired and cannot see. The family roles and behaviors significantly impact the part of the brain that formulates rational logic. 

“Families, like their loved one with a substance use or mental disorder, are looking for a comfortable solution and an end. Looking for an easy way out is why many people avoid the intervention, seeing it as something uncomfortable for them and their loved one. There isn’t an easy way out. If anyone tells you there is, they are being untruthful.”

Families resist intervention because of family roles, and what else? Some families believe their loved one has to want help or hit bottom. Is it possible that the family roles are preventing this from happening? The families’ decisions, unbeknownst to them, are based on protecting the role, not helping their loved one. We are not saying the family wants their loved one to continue the way they are; they would prefer their loved one to change without looking at or addressing themselves. Family members do not realize that their loved one’s getting healthy means a significant change for the family, too. Families do know this subconsciously, which is why they fight the process. The other barriers are anxiety and letting go of the control that a family believes they have. Families are more afraid of the unknown than the current situation. An intervention means letting go of thinking you or your loved one can fix this alone. It is not the fear of the current situation that paralyzes you; it is the anxiety you attach to it and the anxiety of what will happen afterwards that often stops your family dead in their tracks. Like the intended patient, families would prefer an easy solution and frequently see intervention and residential treatment as ineffective or unnecessary. Many families believe they can do the job of an interventionist themselves, while others ’ egos get in the way of someone else correcting a problem they could not. Your loved one will have an intervention at some point. The intervention occurs because the family initiated it with a professional, or the intended patient initiated their own through societal consequences. 

“The family does not have to wait for their loved one to want help and hit bottom. The family can take the first step when they want help and have hit bottom.”

What are Family Roles in Codependent Family Systems?

A family is a complex emotional unit made up of individuals who function together. The family functions as a system, and individuals assume their own roles within that system. Each member of the family does this naturally and subconsciously. Even though every family is different, the behaviors of each individual and the roles they assume are similar in all families. 

When a substance use or mental disorder enters the system, everything changes. It all starts with the enabler and their reactivity to the loved one with a substance use or mental disorder. Once the enabler begins, the others follow in their acquired role. It does not take long for a family system to be completely off its axis. The problem is, the family is always the last to realize what they have done and why. Most families know there is a problem and have zero clue about the role they have taken on. The roles and maladaptive behaviors of the family prevent the family from going back to homeostasis and prevent the person with a substance use or mental disorder from being helped. Before you start to learn about the roles and to answer your question ahead of time:

“YES, one family member can take on multiple roles and switch back and forth between them, with the common denominator being to seek attention from the enabler in an attempt to cope with the family’s dysfunction.”

Family Roles, Enabling, and Addiction Guide: An Addiction Treatment Resource for Families

Use the Index to Jump to a Role

The Substance User

The Substance User & The Codependent Family System

The substance user is the creator of chaos and drama. Families are often worried about confronting the substance user, as they frequently believe it will make them worse. Over time, the substance user is in charge of the family’s daily thoughts, concerns, and operating basis. Families will make more excuses for the substance user than the substance user will make at an intervention. The family system is not prepared for the turbulence and volatility of the substance user, and once the enabler enters the mix, the whole family falls apart. Another essential characteristic of the substance user that the family must understand is their motive. The job of the substance user is to hurt others emotionally. The reason behind this is that the substance user, at the current time, is incapable of owning any of their problems, as they believe it is always someone else’s or some other thing’s fault. Their job is to make you understand the why of all their heartache, and for you to see them as a victim of your doing. 

“The Primary Role of the Substance User is to Create Chaos and Drama.”

The Enabler

The Enabler & The Codependent Family System

The Enabler role can apply to any member of the family system who makes it possible for the addiction and mental health to continue. Although every family will take on a primary enabler, there are often many enablers in an unhealthy family system.  Here are the two focus points to make the enabler role as simple as possible. First, the enabler provides comfort. Avoiding discomfort is the number one priority for an intended patient. Comfort is why the intended patient does not get help. The other point addresses what the enabling is doing for the enabler and why. The enabler comforts the intended patient for the same reason the intended patient uses substances; there is a reward. When the dust settles and the loved one is in treatment, the family system will start to repair itself only with rigorous family recovery. What will be realized later is that the other family members have or had a bigger resentment with the enabler than they did with the substance user. The phenomenon results from the others needing the person who has become an enabler. The enabler chose to focus all their attention on one person, the one with a substance use or mental disorder. The result is that the others act out a family role. All the roles you are about to read about and watch a video on have one thing in common: fighting for the attention of the enabler who has diverted all their attention to the intended patient. 

“The Primary Role of the Enabler is to React to the Chaos and Drama.”

The Martyr

The Martyr & The Codependent Family System

The martyr is the forever victim, and enablers become martyrs. A spouse or partner who is in a relationship with a person who has a substance use or mental disorder often becomes a martyr by default. A martyr is one of the most challenging family roles to get past when setting up an intervention. The martyr will cry the loudest for help and make all the excuses that no help is available or will be effective. As professionals, we often leave the spouse out of the decision-making process and only include them in the intervention. If this approach is not taken, the martyr will almost always pass on the idea of helping their loved one who needs addiction and mental health treatment. They may even tell the intended patient about the upcoming intervention. The martyr is so good at wearing this mask that they have convinced everyone that they will do whatever it takes to help their loved one, while shooting down every idea. Families often do not believe us when we explain that we should exclude the martyr from the decision and be specific about when we should include them in the intervention. The martyr is more worried about what will happen to them if the intended patient gets better and their whole identity is forced to change.

“The Primary Role of the Martyr is to be a Victim of Circumstances and to make Excuses for Themselves and the Intended Patient.”

The Hero

The Hero & The Codependent Family System

Everybody wants to be the one to save the day, and everyone sees themselves as “a hero” in their own way. The role of “The Hero” in the family system is slightly different. This person is an overachiever and often attempts to undermine the intervention and recovery efforts because they think they know better. The Hero believes, “I’m going to be the one who fixes this, I have to be the one who fixes this.” The hero sees that the loved one with a substance use or mental disorder is receiving all the attention for destructive behavior. The hero attempts to draw attention from the enabler by doing the opposite of what the substance user does and becomes a perfectionist. 

“The Primary Role of the Hero is to Draw Attention to Themselves from the Enabler. The Hero is a Perfectionist and Must Feel in Charge of the Solution.”

The Scapegoat

The Scapegoat & The Codependent Family System

If something is not working, do something different; if it is working, do more of the same; this is what the scapegoat does. The scapegoat is aware that the loved one with a substance use and mental disorder is getting all the attention. They see the hero is unsuccessful in using perfectionism to draw attention from the enabler. They believe acting out in negative behavior will draw the same attention from the enabler.  

“The Primary Role of the Scapegoat is to Draw Attention to Themselves from the Enabler. The Scapegoat does this by acting opposite to the Hero.”

The Lost Child

The Lost Child & The Codependent Family System

The lost child realizes that overachieving and underachieving do not suffice to draw attention from the enabler. The lost child isolates and attempts to disappear from the family, if you will. Most believe they do this because they do not want to be bothered; that is not true. They do this to see who really cares and who will find them. The lost child would love the enabler and others to show them they care. At times, the lost child will throw a curveball when found by attempting to push others away; this is merely a test. The lost child is trying to see how far one will go to show them how much they care. What is interesting about the lost child is that this role is always present in the substance user. This is why interventions work. The substance user’s lost child is waiting to be found and for the family to show them that they care. Their pain is that nobody cares, and this is not true. We understand it is hard to show love for some after the destruction they have caused. Remember, the substance user is trying to inflict pain on those whom they feel are the cause of their pain, whether that is true or not. Recovery is seeing what you did to put yourself in your position and not taking the inventory of others. 

“The Primary Role of the Lost Child is Not to be Lost, it is to Draw Attention from the Enabler and be Found”

The Mascot

The Mascot & The Codependent Family System

The Mascot is a little different than the others. They are not trying to compensate by acting opposite to others, nor trying to be found by engaging in isolation. The mascot attempts to repair the broken family by implying that everything is ok or better than it actually is. The mascot often tries to inject humor into the family to divert attention from the current tragedy occurring right in front of everyone. This role is not helpful because it causes future problems for the mascot, and it actually works in the present time… a little. The Mascot does provide comfort, and that comfort is counterproductive to addressing the issue. The mascot can create an illusion that things are better than they actually are. 

“The Primary Role of the Mascot is to Create an Illusion of Normalcy in the Family. Humor and Diversions are the Coping Mechanism of Choice”

When Family Members Prevent a Loved One With a Substance Use or Mental Disorder From Getting Help

Families do not realize what they are doing or why. Families do not want to hear that they may be the reason why things are not getting better. Families do not mean harm by what they are doing, and they are doing it. When family members are on the phone with us discussing the situation, you hear it clearly, even though they do not. The hardest thing for us to hear is when a family decides they will address the problem a certain way, and we know it will only make things worse. When we explain why that is not the best solution for families, they believe we are only trying to sell them something. When we are trying to help you, we hear it. The substance user has trained every one of the family members on how to behave. The substance user prepares you for the call to our office. It is amazing how we hear the family making all the excuses for themselves and their loved one. It is so apparent to us and so unrealistic for the family. It is a delicate tight rope we professional interventionists must walk. If we try to point it out, we’re salesmen. If we don’t point it out, we validate you continuing the way you are going. 

When we speak to your family, we often suggest that you only include a few in the decision to do an intervention and then include the others once you have committed to the process. Families usually see this as a sales tactic rather than us trying to exclude destructive family roles that are not interested in us or anyone else taking away their security blanket. We know and understand family systems theory. Families do not believe that it applies to their family, and what we say only applies to others, not them. 

The most significant difference between those who do an intervention and those who do not is that the families who understand that:

• Your family is at the bottom
  
• You do not have to wait for your loved one to be at the bottom; the family is already there
  
• Your loved one wants help; They just don’t have to get help because they are comfortable
  
• The intervention will not make the situation worse
  
• You are unafraid of the unknown outcome of an intervention
  
• You are not stuck on what if they say no
  
• You understand that it is not necessary to include everyone in the decision and that they will be part of the intervention when it is time to include them

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