Is an Intervention an Act of Betrayal?

The greatest fears of a family and a loved one with substance use or mental disorders are the unknown. Most people are uncomfortable with change, even when the change is for the better. Drug addiction, alcoholism, and mental disorders bring chaos, confusion, maladaptive family roles, the illusion of control, the fear of making the situation worse, and the belief that you will betray your loved one. Anxiety paralyzes people, and adding what-ifs to a problem, creating an illusion of a worse-than-it-is scenario, is commonplace. Interventions for addiction and mental disorders bring closure and an endpoint. Families avoid an endpoint because it removes the fear of the unknown. In our experience, families often prefer to remain in an uncomfortable yet familiar situation rather than face change and uncertainty. We know this because we understand human behavior. Behavior is not necessarily determined by whether or not it is good or bad. Behavior is influenced by whether a reward is present or not. 

“Setting up an intervention should not be as complicated as it often is, and it is challenging because family fears can make it difficult. Along with the intended patient, families are pulled in several different directions, driven by anxiety, fear, betrayal, and the illusion of control. If the current situation is less fearful than the fear of change, nothing will change.” 

Consider any other medical problem in life. If you or a loved one is experiencing an issue, you call your doctor to make an appointment or go to the hospital. Anyone who cares about you would encourage this, and most would not try to talk you out of it with differing opinions. With drug addiction, alcoholism, and mental disorders, this does not often occur. Alcoholism, drug addiction, and mental disorders are the only fatal illnesses where the intended patient fights to stay sick, and the Family helps them do it while making excuses that nothing will ever work because they are just too stubborn. 

Imagine if you or a loved one had a medical problem, and this were to happen:

You call the doctor’s office and ask the person answering the phone to convince you to come in and get checked out, and you want a detailed explanation of what they are going to do beforehand. You follow up by asking what if this doesn’t work, what if they say no, and what your success rates are, followed by making multiple excuses for yourself and the intended patient, who is the most stubborn person they will ever encounter in their life. You go on to tell them how your loved one is different and more intelligent than everyone else, and that they will never go for this. When the doctor and their staff finally convince you to take care of the problem, you ask other family members what you should do. Unable to decide to save your life or your loved one’s life without permission, other family members offer you multiple suggestions, none of which are the same, and the majority of the people you talk to talk you out of it. What happens next? The person does not address the problem, and those connected to them suffer the consequences of watching things get worse before their eyes, all while complaining that the doctors were more concerned with the money, they were just a bunch of salesmen, and that what they proposed would never work for their Family or your loved one. 

What the person answering the phone at the doctor’s office or hospital would have said is “Are you ready to make an appointment, yes or no?” If not, they would say, ‘Call us when you are ready’ and hang up. Any other medical professional would think it was a prank call. 

The example may seem far-fetched and ridiculous, and that is precisely what families do when calling about intervention. All the excuses are about everything other than the truth: that truth is displaced emotions behind anxiety, change, the illusion of control, and the fear of betrayal. Because of this, remember this:

“We are not taking you into doing anything; you called us for help, and we are explaining a clinically evidence-based protocol. Making more excuses for your loved one than they will make at the intervention, while trying to talk us into believing that this will never work, and your loved one will never go, will not produce a successful outcome.”

Families are never on the same page. No matter how hard you try to convince us that your Family is different and everyone is on board, it has never once been true. If it were true, your call to our office would be to schedule an appointment, not force us to convince you to do this and sell you a service. For those who do not do the intervention, at some point, you will realize that everyone was not on the same page. They may agree to speak with us, and when the call ends, you will see everything we are discussing in this article and the example above in italics.

What is Betrayal in Regards to Addiction, Alcoholism, and Mental Disorder Intervention

The definition of betrayal per the Merriam Webster Dictionary is “violation of a person’s trust or confidence, of a moral standard—a revelation of something hidden or secret. 

Think about that definition and what you are protecting. When you choose not to help your loved one or intervene, you are betraying someone who needs help; you are helping the intended patient stay sick and keeping the secrets buried. Since we know you already know that, why do you feel that an intervention would be a betrayal? It goes much deeper than your surface excuses. Families think they will be betraying their loved ones, the intervention will make them worse, the loved one will not speak to them again, or that it is an ambush. No matter what excuse you make while filled with anxiety, also known as self-inflicted and manufactured fears, you are making this all about you and your feelings. Whenever you think you’re protecting another person’s feelings, you are actually protecting yourself.

All people with a substance use disorder and many with mental disorders weaponize their victimhood. The intended patient already feels betrayed by those who love them the most. The intended patient acts out at people and uses substances to hurt themselves and others, but why? It stems from hurting people hurting others, and it begins with hurting those who love them the most. Furthermore, the pain of the intended patient is directed at those whom they believe are responsible for their pain and the hurt feelings they carry. There are plenty of people, mostly those who are enablers, who will roll their eyes at this theory, thinking we are wrong. You can have that belief, and you would be wrong to believe that. Whether they tell you that you are not the problem, whether they tell you they love you, and it is not your fault, I assure you, this theory is true and always present within the mind and soul of the intended patient. When the intended patient takes this route, it is a manipulation to get something from you, and they want you to feel they are a victim. In those rare cases where there was absolutely nothing a family did to cause pain to the intended patient, such as an adopted child lashing out at his adopted parents, the intended patient is still crying for help and lashing out at you as a cry for help to do something about their pain. Either way, you are not helping them because you think you will betray them; it is the exact opposite of what they need. They already feel betrayed by someone, somewhere, and somehow. The intended patient is acting out betrayal, and the Family’s fear of betrayal is not addressed by betraying the intended patient.

“You do not address the feelings of betrayal in the intended patient with betrayal by the family that helps them stay sick.” 

Family Intervention Excuses and Myths

All day, we spend on the phone with families and in their homes discussing how to help the loved one with substance use and mental disorders. The majority of the conversations are the families going on and on about how bad it is. When we present clinically evidence-based intervention strategies, the excuses flood in. Families will make more excuses for their loved one on the phone with us than the intended patient will ever make during the intervention program. It is if you do not want them to get help. There is actually truth to that. Before we continue, let us clarify. We know that you want them to get help. The question is, why don’t you let us help you? The reason is simple, in theory. You are not done; you have not had enough; you are not at the bottom, just like them. You are not ready to surrender, and neither are they. You believe they have to want help and hit rock bottom; however, we know that many things are preventing them from wanting it; therefore, they may not have to want it. There is a difference. 

Families are more afraid of what will happen if they intervene than if they do not. Living in the moment behind the illusion of control, families are often not ready; they have not hit their bottom, and they are not done trying to control the outcome. The Family has not had enough. Fear plays a significant role in this, fueled by manufactured thoughts called anxiety. At this point, all you can do to protect your fears is try to convince the professional interventionist that they will never go and that you can not betray them. Just like a person with mental disorders, an addiction, and alcoholism, the Family has more excuses than the intended patient. What both have in common is the inability to be honest with themselves and others. At the intervention, the intended patient will often make excuses to avoid accepting help. There may be dozens of excuses, all representing the dishonesty of the fundamental reasons they do not want help. 

They are:

• They are not done using alcohol and drugs
• They are not done weaponizing their victimhood and hurting their Family
• They do not believe the Family will change
• They have not had enough consequences yet

The Family will come up with more excuses than the intended patient. All the Family excuses come from a small number of places, too. 

They are:

• You are fearful of change
• You are not ready to change
• You have an illusion of control
• You think you’re betraying them
• Your benefitting from the situation
• You have not had enough pain yet 

The numerous excuses made by both sides stem from a few core reasons. The Family makes all the excuses regarding the intended patient. Families rarely, if ever, take ownership or disclose what their fears are; primarily because they are consciously unaware of it. The intended patient will make excuses at the intervention by blaming the Family for everything. What is happening is that nobody is taking ownership for their part. That is how the healing begins. The intervention is not only about someone coming in to talk them into treatment. That is a significant part of what we do, and we need to stop making excuses and pointing fingers. Families must not give their loved ones that much power.

“He or she will never go, and What if they say no is stated and asked on every single call. Stop making excuses for them. You are only making excuses for them to protect your fears.”

When families ask us, “What if they say no?”, it doesn’t matter what we say; it doesn’t help them feel any better, and why? You have to wonder, do families even want them to go? From our vantage point, it is a fair question. What other medical issue or legal issue would the person not try? The answer is none. That is because with other medical problems and legal issues, there is no illusion of control, fears of betrayal and change, or dysfunctional family roles influencing the decision. At that point, the Family has to take action, even if they don’t want to. 

Think about that. 

“They have to do something, whether they want to or not.” 

In what other situation would a family act this way? They wouldn’t because of the reasons just stated. A family would pay an attorney twice as much as they would pay us, with a much lower chance of resolving the problem and extricating themselves from the situation. Families would be grateful to hear any doctor tell them there is any hope, and families would do anything they could to help, even if the chances were slim. The excuses and fears of betrayal run deep, and families want to maintain the status quo because they are afraid of the change and the unknown that follows. You would seek an attorney or medical attention if you believed you were harming yourself or others. So, why do families seek medical attention or legal counsel but not intervention when they know that not doing so causes harm to themselves and others? Because there is a benefit to one and not the other. Does not helping benefit them or you? Your actions say yes. Do you need to be the one who fixes because of guilt and shame of the past? What benefit do you receive by not bringing in professionals? What are your fears? What are your reasons for the behavior? Please think about these things.

“The family and the intended patient are both more fearful of the unknown change than they are of the current situation.”

How to Overcome the Fear of Intervention and Betraying Your Loved One

The fear of betraying your loved ones and believing the intervention will make things worse is real for many families; we empathize. Your loved one already feels betrayed, and that is part of their trauma and beliefs. People with alcoholism, drug addiction, and mental health issues are always perceived as stubborn. All families tell us that their loved one is stubborn, and they say it as if it were a quality or gift they possess. Your loved one is not stubborn; they are just adamant about convincing you that this is the way things must be. The rationalization of insanity, what you call stubbornness, is them blaming everyone else for their problems while feeling betrayed by the ones who love them the most. Failing to intervene is an act of betrayal. Not helping your loved one and believing you will betray them is what they are acting out with you. You do not address betrayal by believing that helping someone is an act of betrayal. 

“It’s as if your loved one feels betrayed that you left them on a deserted island, and you believe you are betraying them by going back to rescue them.” 

You would only think this way if you thought it was your fault they were left on the island in the first place. Unlike an intervention, you would still go back even if it were your fault. The question is, why would you go back to the island to rescue them, but not go back with an intervention to rescue them from alcohol, drug addiction, and mental health struggles? 

Alcoholism, drug addiction, and mental disorders are the only problems that families are afraid to confront, primarily due to the fear of betrayal and behavioral issues. All the behaviors in your life, whether good or bad, are determined by a reward system. If you receive something from the behavior that serves as a positive reward, then you will do more of it. If you receive a negative reward, then you will stop. You continue doing it the way you are because you are getting something from it; there is a reward. The question is, what is the reward? It may be avoiding betrayal. It could mean giving up your illusion of control. It may involve letting go of an acquired, maladaptive family role. It could mean keeping family secrets buried. It often can be the fear of change and closure. Whatever it is, you are getting a reward for not addressing it properly or for feeling the need to address it yourself. Either way, only you know what the answer is. Our family intervention services help you with this. We do not need you to divulge your secrets. We only need you to be done living this way and acknowledge that you can’t fix it the way you have been going.

Family First Intervention truly is different. There is a reason why we are the biggest and why you found us so easily online. Our reputation, other than some disgruntled patients, precedes itself. We have not received a single negative review from a family; only from their loved ones, who are angry that we gave their Family their power back and helped them stand up to the destructive behaviors. If all you are looking for is someone to persuade your loved one to enter a treatment center and never address how you got to where you are, then we are not the company for you. You can call your local Alcoholics or Narcotics Anonymous group and have them provide you with a free twelve-step call. If it is mental health, you can have them committed for 24-72 hours, and they will return home. You can call law enforcement, who will come and inform you that there is nothing they can do unless your loved one verbalizes or displays harm to themselves or others. If your Family is exhausted, at its wits’ end, and ready to make a change, then we can help. Our goal is to help you stop betraying your Family and loved ones, and to do so effectively. When you are ready, and you have had enough, we can help restore your Family to sanity.