Can an Addict or Alcoholic Truly Love Someone?

Many families, friends, spouses, children, and just about anyone who cares about someone with a substance use or mental disorder wonder whether or not the intended patient can love someone. The short answer to this question is yes, they can, and it takes time to get there after the recovery process starts. The complex, long answer is they cannot love anyone or anything more than themselves while acting out their selfish agenda until they learn how to live and see things differently. People with addiction issues love putting their needs before everyone else, even their children. People with mental health disorders may not be capable of knowing what love is or how to offer affection of any kind. When a family tells us their loved one loves their children, we do not doubt that, and sadly, they do not love their children more than acting out their own selfish needs, seeing the need to advocate for their mental health care, or consuming alcohol and drugs.

Family members, siblings, children, spouses, etc., often ask themselves why their loved one with alcohol, drug addiction, and mental health disorders can not or will not quit or address the problem. Many take it personally when they won’t or can’t. Spouses feel inadequate and unloved when this happens and often think something is wrong with themselves or that the problems are their fault. Those close to someone experiencing alcohol, drug addiction, and mental health struggles, such as parents, children, spouse, or significant other, believe the other is acting out because they are not happy with them. Some believe their loved one’s addiction and mental health problem are their fault. Spouses often become martyrs in the relationship and take on the role of forever victim. When this occurs, the spouse frequently prevents professional intervention services from coming in and will make excuses for any help offered. The phenomenon occurs because the spouse/martyr is more concerned with what will happen to themselves if their husband, wife, or significant other gets better. Fears of what will happen to themselves and the control they will lose if their spouse or significant other gets better become the concern. There are those spouses who believe that if their spouse or significant other were to get well, they may realize they are not needed or wanted anymore and that the impaired or mentally ill spouse will seek out other relationships after or even during treatment. The martyr believes that the only way they can save their relationship is to continue to control and protect everything for themselves and their spouse, children, and family. Some feel that keeping quiet while walking on eggshells will prevent the problem from worsening or being exposed. 

 “Spouses start to gauge improvement based on a shallow bar. What once was terrible is now considered acceptable as the psychological bar lowers.”

Families of alcoholics, people with drug addiction, and loved ones with mental disorders often default to enabling behaviors. In doing so, the enabler believes they are needed in the relationship and has a purpose. Enabling is an attempt to keep the unwell person close to them and to create an illusion that they are loved, and any reciprocated love, as a result of the enabling, comforts the enabler. Enabling does not make this love; it is an illusion. Many have heard of tough love. Tough love, also known as boundaries, accountability, and consequences, may not feel good at the moment, and the one experiencing substance use or mental disorders will be grateful for the tough love one day when they improve as a result of it. 

Whether you are a spouse, parent, sibling, or other family member, you will inevitably take on a maladaptive family role as a result of the addiction or mental health problem within the family system. The unhealthy family roles are the number one reason the environment of the intended patient is affected in a way that prevents the situation from improving. The environment is one of the number one predictors of outcomes in substance use and mental health treatment. When the environment favors the intended patient, the likelihood of improvement is rare. Families must address their unhealthy roles and family systems before attempting to address their loved one’s problem.  

“If your loved one is happy with you, you are most likely keeping them unwell; if they are unhappy with you, you are most likely helping them.”

Why can’t alcoholics have healthy relationships?

It is suggested that people in recovery from alcohol and drug addiction wait a minimum of one year, often two years, before getting into a relationship. Many think this is because, in the first two years, the newly recovered person would struggle to handle the volatility of a relationship; there is truth to that and not the reason why. The waiting period to get into a relationship is to protect the other from the newly recovered addict or alcoholic because of their selfishness, manipulation tactics, and how they will affect the other person, who may not know what they are getting into. A person who is in active alcoholism and addiction or early recovery becomes accustomed to selfishly using people for their own needs and desires, and these behaviors do not immediately stop when the drinking or drug use stops. Behaviors that drive the addiction and some mental disorder diagnoses take a long time to address and repair. Just because someone stops using alcohol or drugs or becomes medication compliant for their mental disorders does not mean that they will no longer use people and act out shortcomings and character defects. The suggestion to wait is to protect the other person, not the one with the substance use or mental disorder in recovery. The same principles apply to those reading this who have been in a relationship with the intended patient for an extended period. The behaviors that existed when you first met were there, even if you didn’t see them. Addicts and alcoholics are pretty good at hiding these narcissistic people-pleasing behaviors that appear as assets that eventually turn into liabilities.  

It will take at least one year, maybe two, after treatment to see a profound change in your loved one’s behavior. The volatility and turbulence you will experience during the rebuild and regrowth recovery period are inevitable. Some relationships do not make it when their loved one gets better. It is why we put such a significant emphasis on family recovery. Both sides are greatly affected. When one side improves, and the other does not, it may significantly impact the outcome of the relationship, your loved one’s sobriety and recovery efforts, and any family member or loved one’s recovery.  

The likelihood of a newly recovered person being unselfish is improbable. A person with substance use or even a mental disorder must learn how to consider the needs of others. Most people with substance use and mental disorders live life as if they are the only one that matters. Taking care of and putting themselves first is the only way most people with alcohol, drug, and mental health problems know to do. Selfishness and resentment are the number one character defects and shortcomings that take a long time to undo. So, can people with drug and alcohol use and mental disorders have healthy relationships? The short answer is yes; the long answer is not without rigorous honesty and a complete turnaround in their behaviors and perceptions. 

“Do not be misled by the one who would give you the shirt of their back, who is a selfish people pleaser in disguise with a narcissistic hidden agenda.”

Speaking to spouses, parents, and adult children of alcoholics and drug addicts, say how excellent their loved one “used” to be. Even this can be deceiving. Most people may not know if someone is an alcoholic, and spotting alcoholic or destructive behaviors is not like recognizing the weather. We have worked with many people who put on a facade of people-pleasing behaviors that make the person look great. We are not insinuating they are not. We are saying that a people pleaser with a selfish motive in disguise is hard to detect and may often appear as a “good person.” People pleasing is a significant factor as to why an alcoholic or addict is limited in their ability to have healthy relationships. People pleasers put their needs before the needs of others, and this is an illusion. People pleasers also set themselves up for resentments later. A people pleaser is often agreeable and has a hard time saying no. At first, you think they are lovely, but later, you will see their true colors as they throw back in your face all they have done for you. At first, you believe the people pleaser is friendly, but later, you will realize their motives and intentions. Those motives and intentions were to gain the upper hand later in the relationship. 

Not all destructive behaviors of people with an addiction, alcoholics, and those with mental disorders are noticeable. To an untrained observer, it is easy to believe that a people pleaser is sincere and unselfish. Many people fall in love with narcissists. At the beginning of the relationship, the narcissistic person appears sincere in their wanting to learn more about you. You don’t realize that they are doing that to manipulate you and use your vulnerabilities against you later. Some people are attracted to fun people with big plans and ideas who appear willing to help and include you in these plans. Who would know at the time those initial qualities turned out to be sociopathic behaviors, setting you up only to be destroyed later? Our point is that not all negative behaviors are apparent. Some addicts and alcoholics are incapable of loving anyone or anything other than themselves. Their behaviors and characteristics were there when you met them. The behaviors were in disguise, or you didn’t realize the motives or intentions of those behaviors. 

“If you were to look up the symptoms and characteristics of Anti Social Personality Disorder (ASPD), the diagnosis of Sociopathic Behavior, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), you would see that your loved one checks almost every box of both.” 

In our experience, very few alcoholics, addicts, and people with other mental disorders diagnoses have these disorders. We know this because when the patient gets well, clean, and sober while working an honest program of recovery, all these symptoms disappear. Clinicians, psychiatrists, and doctors prefer to diagnose and label people with disorders without properly addressing where the behaviors are coming from and why. Most diagnosed mental disorders are unaddressed problems or behaviors that often improve with evidenced-based addiction treatment tools, including twelve-step facilitation and cognitive behavioral therapy. Please click here to learn more about our mental health disorder intervention services. 

The good news is that alcoholics and those with substance use disorder can truly love someone and have healthy relationships once they are genuinely sober. Stopping alcohol or drug use does not change the leopard’s spots; changing the behaviors that lead to self-medicating with alcohol and drugs does. Before an alcoholic can become honest and unselfish, have healthy relationships, and love someone, they first have to understand their behaviors, perceptions, and intentions. Once someone with a substance use or mental disorder works through their behaviors and explores why they behave the way they do, they can then correct these behaviors and form authentic, meaningful, loving relationships with others. 

What is codependency with an alcoholic?

Many people who love an alcoholic, addict, or someone who suffers from mental disorders do so for a reason—dissecting the family of origin history of the one loving the individual with the problem can often shed light on why they do this. The one loving the person using substances or with challenging behaviors caused by mental disorders may have a dependent personality disorder. A dependent personality disorder is not the same as having codependent behavior. Codependency is not a recognized mental disorder by the American Psychiatric Association, and dependent personality disorder is. Although the symptoms are overwhelmingly similar, the most significant difference is the nature of the relationship. To make it simple, people who are specific in their codependency, such as someone they love who has a substance use or mental disorder and is not codependent in other relationships, would not be diagnosed with dependent personality disorder. Someone who is codependent in all relationships or who seeks out or gravitates towards others they think they can fix could be diagnosed with a dependent personality disorder. 

There are times when the person does not codependently seek out a person with an addiction to alcohol or drugs or someone with a mental disorder in a codependent way and finds out later there is a problem. When this occurs, the same thing happens. The substance use or mental disorder patient sucks the family in and creates unhealthy maladaptive roles that bring on codependency. The dysfunction happens and creates codependency or amplifies existing codependency. How you handle these codependency issues is going to be the difference between your loved one seeking help and them staying sick; whether the relationship was intentional or unintentional, codependency and maladaptive family roles form as the result of a loved one with substance use or mental disorders being in the family system.  

Codependency with an alcoholic, someone using drugs, or experiencing mental disorders means when they feel better, you feel better; when they feel worse, you feel worse. If your day evolves around their day, that is unhealthy, and that is codependency. Most people in any relationship or connection to a person with substance use or mental disorders find themselves working around the other person’s volatility. 

Codependency is when you have to alter your day, emotions, schedule, etc., because of someone else’s problem or behavior. If you find yourself putting someone else’s needs first, that enables them to consume most of your head space; that is codependency. When your self-care is suffering, or you are not focusing on all your relationships, causing yourself to give all your attention to someone else in an unhealthy way, that is codependency. Codependency leads to enabling; it hurts the whole family and causes the others in your family to take on unhealthy roles. What the other family members will find out later is their resentments were not with the person with alcohol, drug, or mental health problems. What comes out is that the resentments were with the codependent enabler who gave all their attention to one person and no longer provided love, affirmation, and attention to the others equally. As a result of the family taking on unhealthy roles, the only person who wins in the end is the person who needs help. That is, if you call continued destruction, drug and alcohol use, and untreated mental disorders winning. The longer a family goes on like this, the harder it is to address the problem. The more likely you and your family will come up with objections and excuses for not doing an intervention. The longer a family waits, the longer they and their loved one suffer, and the unhealthy family roles that are acquired become an illusion of a solution.  

“It is equally as difficult, if not more difficult at times, to break a family from their unhealthy family roles than it is to break their loved one from their addiction and mental health struggles.”  

For more information on codependency, please review our codependency checklist and take our codependency assessment quiz.

How do you love an alcoholic?

When you look at the definition of love, a powerful and deep affection for another, it is hard to imagine that you can choose whether it is conditional or unconditional. Some believe that all love has conditions to it. When love is unconditional, it means that you love someone no matter the conditions, and conditional love has, well, conditions. The translation is that sometimes love is unselfish (unconditional), and other times it is selfish (conditional). The alcoholic is incapable of unconditional love. The alcoholic, addict, or person with mental disorders loves someone conditionally, and that is whether or not they are on board with their behavior, lifestyle choices, and alcohol and drug consumption. The one loving the alcoholic, addict, or person with a mental disorder most likely tries to love unconditionally. They often do not realize that they can’t love without conditions, such as going overboard with an acquired maladaptive family role, codependency and enabling, expecting something to change, fulfilling the needs of the acquired maladaptive family role, or needing to feel reciprocating unconditional love. 

So, how do you love an alcoholic or addict? 

You do so with: 

• Boundaries
• Detachment
• Accountability

You can love someone and not like what they are doing. Some parents love their children unconditionally and disagree with their choices. Regardless of unconditional or conditional love, you do not have to light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm to earn their love. Most enablers do this. An enabler tries to gain the alcoholic, addict, or person with mental disorders love by providing them comfort and receiving something in return. The addict, alcoholic, or person with mental disorders loves someone when they provide comfort and hates them when they don’t. A relationship built on this foundation is unhealthy and does not help either side. You just read about codependency, and you should realize by now that codependency does not produce a healthy, loving relationship or connection. Both people in the codependent relationship are using one another to feel better about themselves.  

“If you choose to love someone with substance use or mental disorder and not set boundaries, detach, or hold them accountable, then you lose the right to complain about the problems in the relationship. At this point, it is not about what they are doing to you but rather about what you allow to be done to you.” 

How do you set boundaries with an alcoholic? 

When discussing family boundaries and addiction, the question of whether or not you have to ask your loved one to leave home or cut them off is often requested. People throw around the phrase “tough love” like they know what it means. Tough love does not mean cutting them off and throwing them away. Tough love means setting boundaries for negative behavior and acknowledging positive behavior. 

When a family has reached their breaking point or bottom, they are allowed to say no to the loved one experiencing substance use or mental disorders. Boundaries tell the intended patient that you will no longer allow their negative choices to control your life. It allows the person setting boundaries to detach themselves from the chaos and drama of the intended patient or other family members who choose to stay connected to the problem in an unhealthy way. Tough love transfers ownership and accountability to the intended rightful owner, the intended patient. 

“There is one undisputed certainty in the treatment of addiction and many cases of mental health. That certainty is that nobody will ever address a problem they do not believe exists or that it is someone else’s fault. If the illusion of benefits remains more significant than the actual consequences, the intended patient will not move past the second stage of change.”  

The second stage of change in the recovery process is when the intended patient sees the consequences are more significant than the benefits. One of the number one predictors of outcomes of addiction in mental health treatment is the environment. The environment is part of the intended patient’s life that keeps them comfortable or uncomfortable. Most families do not understand that they can significantly impact the environment of their loved one by addressing their family role and holding their loved one accountable with boundaries. Counselors, clinicians, social workers, and therapists often use a functional analysis assessment to address consequences that follow behavior. Alcoholics, people with addiction to drugs, and those with mental disorders focus on the short-term benefits more so than the negative consequences. Most do this because they can and because of the comfort and an enabling environment that shields them from seeing the need to address the problem. For those reading this who do not believe they enable and for the extreme few who do not, there is another side that makes setting boundaries effective whether enabling exists or not. Most people with substance use and mental disorders act out to inflict pain and heartache on the very people they believe are the cause of their problems. Setting boundaries removes this ability away from the intended patient. As long as your loved one thinks or feels they can hurt or control you, they will. When you detach, set boundaries, and send the problem back to the rightful owner, the intended patient can either look at what they have done to create the mess they are in or take their resentment, finger-pointing, blame-throwing show on the road.  

Before you can set boundaries with the alcoholic, you first have to decide if you are willing to accept what happens when you set boundaries. The fear of the unknown of doing anything different scares people into a state of inaction. Unhealthy family roles prevent spouses who become martyrs from standing up for themselves. Enablers are afraid to let go because they now believe there is a need for them in the relationship and have a purpose as the alcoholic caretaker. The hero’s role in the family is afraid to do something that will benefit the alcoholic as the alcoholic’s improvement will affect the hero’s pursuit of perfection as the overachiever in the family. Suppose you continue to care for them, help them, accept their life as a victim, try to fix them yourself, or are not ready to disengage from the insanity of the relationship. In that case, there is no reason to consider boundaries. You continue living this way, or you do not. Once you set boundaries, the alcoholic will get angry and try to convince you that what you have done is ridiculous, and they will threaten you and flip the script that this is all your fault. The alcoholic may even walk away from you as a result of boundaries. 

If and when you are ready for the change that comes with setting boundaries, we can then answer the question of how to set boundaries with an alcoholic or someone addicted to drugs or suffering mental illness.  

To set boundaries with your loved one, the intended patient, we must redirect the question to allow the family asking the question to see things differently. What the family is really asking is why am I letting someone control me, walk all over me, and sacrifice my beliefs, mental health, and self-care for another individual; what am I receiving from allowing this to continue? Knowing this, you can now ask yourself every time you allow your alcoholic loved one to cross your boundaries why you did that and what benefits you received in doing that. You should ask yourself whenever you give in or allow this to happen if you allow your loved one comfort and a lack of accountability or if you allow discomfort, ownership, and responsibility to fall on them. If you are unwilling or incapable of setting boundaries and you give in to your loved one, then you are not only keeping them sick, you are selfishly benefitting from the situation and making it all about you and what you receive. The hardest part for families is letting go of the routine and addressing the dysfunctional family roles that keep the family and the intended patient unwell. 

Family Intervention for Alcoholics

What makes Family First Intervention services different is the emphasis on the family. We help you see things from a different perspective. There is something that happens when a family has that moment when they realize that various forms of dysfunctional ideas have selfishly directed the way they address the problem. When a family takes on a dysfunctional role, such as enabler, hero, or martyr, they unknowingly try to prevent change from happening. A family of dysfunction seeks to hold onto their role of dysfunction because the role has become their solution that provides relief to survive the day-to-day with other family members and their loved one with a substance use or mental disorder. In addition to the family roles that have formed, your family has been led astray by the alcoholic, addict, or loved one with mental disorders. As an interventionist, the most challenging task is helping your family conclude that an intervention always occurs. Intervention happens on the family’s terms or society’s terms. Many families would prefer to hear from us that we are only going to come and take your loved one away to a treatment center and not address anything you may or may not have done as a family that led you to this point in your lives. 

Families, people with an addiction, alcoholics, and those with mental disorders are very similar. What most may not realize is that family dysfunction affects everyone in the family and not just the one who struggles with addiction and mental health. Over time, and like the alcoholic or addict, people seek escape and comfort. A dysfunctional family member, along with their distorted perception, starts to act and think exactly like a person with alcohol, drug, and mental health problems. Both devise excuses to avoid any change, even when the change is positive. As we stated earlier in this article, when we work with family members to help them understand the intervention process, they will come up with more excuses and objections than their loved ones when we arrive for the intervention. Unless a family is willing to accept this and address it, the chances of growth and change are far less than average. Before a family and the intended patient can improve the situation, they both must be willing to let go of their old ideas, behavioral patterns, and beliefs. A substance user wants to be a better person and still use alcohol or drugs, and you can’t have both. A family wants things to change and still wants to stay in control and hold onto their unhealthy role in the family system, and they, too, cannot have both. The problem is neither the family nor the intended patient can have it both ways; you have to choose a side. 

Unless the family surrenders to letting go of old ideas, their loved one will not either. What we are saying is when you call our office, what you want for your loved one is what you also need. You can’t just address one side; if you do, you do not address it with talk; action must enforce it. In other words, as long as the family continues to look the other way on their role, the intended patient remains in control of the family and the outcome.