Family Roles & Codependency

Addiction and Mental Health Codependency in Families

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Addiction and Mental Health Codependency With Family Relationships May Prevent You From Independency.

Family members with substance use disorders can prevent others within the family from happily living their own lives. When we start to protect the feelings of another individual, we often realize at some point we were trying to protect our own feelings. Being emotionally connected to the ups and downs of another can take away our identity, integrity, happiness, and individuality we once had.

Family members who enable or are codependent achieve something from the behavior, otherwise, they would not do it. It may be helpful to ask yourself some questions. What are you being provided from this codependent relationship? What you need are you fulfilling from protecting the feelings of another? What comfort is provided when your feelings become parallel with someone else?

Recognizing Codependency

A person abusing alcohol or drugs does so with the highest form of selfishness. They often put their wants and needs before anyone or anything. This sadly can include moms, dads, siblings, husbands, wives, coworkers, and even children. As the person allows their wants and needs to be the priority, some family members and others may start to make the need to comfort them the priority. As the substance abuser puts others second, the same people put them first. How does this happen?

A lot of the way we think can stem from our upbringing and family of origin. Much of how we behave has to do with our beliefs, experiences, how we were taught and what we observed early on in life. In other words, codependency in a relationship involving addiction runs far deeper and has been present much longer than the current dilemma. A codependent family member often behaves to allow for underlying needs met and to feel a purpose or be needed in the relationship. There is a sense of fulfillment a codependent receives prioritizing another person’s needs in exchange for their own. Codependent people often have difficulty finding purpose in their own life while finding comfort and purpose when being there for others. Codependent family members who are enabling a substance abuser may hinder others who try to help. This often is because those suffering from codependency have difficulties asking for help while they try to provide help to everyone other than themselves. Some find it difficult to give up this role in the relationship. A saddening reality for some is coming to realize the substance abuser was only using the codependent relationship to remain in a comforted state to avoid accountability and consequences. One of the last things a person with alcohol or drug addiction wants is the codependent person in their life to become independent. Prior to getting help, the codependent may feel the need to be there for the substance abuser and if not for their support, the person may get worse. With effective education and counseling the codependent person may realize the substance abuser needs the codependent person more than the codependent person needs to enable their addiction and behaviors.

Codependent behavior is when a person seeks to meet the needs of another. Codependency involving enabling the addicted person is often met with emotional fulfillment for one and emotional one sided abuse delivered by the other. So in relationships with one having a substance use disorder, we know they are receiving comfort and less consequences. We know the codependent is receiving emotional abuse and loss of identity and independence. The question is, what is the codependent enabler receiving? What reward is so great as to allow this?

When we look at the behaviors of a codependent person it has much in common with those who have process addictions. When a family seeks out help for intervention and education for addiction problems in the home, they frequently reference the behaviors and substance abuse of the intended patient. Could one not view the primary enabler or codependent person as the one who needs as much help being equally addicted to the substance abusers behaviors and needs? Codependency is similar to a relationship addiction in which it is emotionally abusive and one side receives more benefit than the other. Like all addictions whether process or substance, the reasons for them stem far deeper than most can identify on the surface through self awareness and self correction. Professional help is almost always necessary.

Whether it be love, time, or attention, we only have so much of ourselves to give in a day. Offering the majority of yourself to one person can cause resentment and conflicts with other members of your family. Below are some helpful ways to recognize if your codependency is comforting an addiction and creating tension and anger within your family. Download our free eBook to learn how the ego impacts addiction in families affected by addiction.

It is helpful to try and identify the reasons behind the codependency. Through intervention training and continued counseling most come to realize they were not codependent enablers solely with the hope of saving their loved one; they were equally if not more so seeking to fulfill a need for themselves. When reading the examples, please try to recognize why you’re doing it rather than what you’re doing.

  • You believe if not for your support they would be worse off than they are (you’re helping them).
  • You think and feel responsible for other people.
  • You feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem.
  • You feel compelled to help the person solve the problem.
  • You feel frustrated when your help isn’t effective.
  • You often anticipate other people’s needs.
  • You try to please others instead of yourself.
  • You wonder why others don’t help you the way you help them.
  • You have less a problem providing help and have a difficult time asking for help.
  • You find yourself saying yes when you mean no, doing things you don’t really want to be doing, doing more than your fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves. (People Pleaser)
  • You don’t know what you want and need or, if you do, you tell yourself that what you want and need is not important.
  • You find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others, rather than injustices done to you.
  • You feel safest when giving.
  • You feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives to you.
  • You feel sad because you spend your whole life giving to other people and nobody gives to you.
  • You find yourself attracted to needy people.
  • You find needy people attracted to you.
  • You abandon your routine to respond to or do something for somebody else.
  • You overcommit yourself.
  • You feel hurried and pressured.
  • You feel bored, empty and worthless if you don’t have chaos, a crisis in your life, a problem to solve, or someone to help.
  • You believe deep inside that other people are somehow responsible for you.
  • You blame others for the situation you or your loved one is in.
  • You say other people make you feel the way you do.
  • You believe other people are making you crazy.
  • You feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used.
  • You find other people become impatient or angry with you for all the preceding characteristics.

Attention to one Person’s Addiction and Mental Health Affects Many Other Relationships

Like addiction, codependency is not a moral failing or the characteristics of a bad person. It is often earlier or current trauma, life experiences, and learned behaviors that are the cause. It is almost never the current situation as the sole cause of the enabling and codependency. As with addiction, it is helpful to identify the reasons behind the behavior and learn new coping strategies.

To help begin the process, it could be beneficial to understand some basic effects of relationships. It can be said that when two or more people become connected in a relationship of any form (work, romance, friendship, or family), those in the relationship will do one or more of three things:

  • A person will assume some of the qualities of the other.
  • A person will assume a role that complements the qualities of the other.
  • A person will assume a role that acts counter to the qualities of the other.

The most important thing to understand about the previous three statements is this:

When two people connect or enter into a relationship of any type, then both parties are changed as a result of that connection. In other words, all parties have been changed to some degree as a result of being connected and/or in a relationship with someone who has become dependent upon drugs or alcohol.

To make this a bit easier to understand, let’s replace a few words in the above scenarios to better fit the situation of addiction:

  • A family member will assume some of the unhealthy behaviors of the substance abuser.
  • A family member will assume a role that complements the unhealthy behaviors of the substance abuser.
  • A family member will assume a role that acts counter to the unhealthy behaviors of the substance abuser.

Another helpful way to look at it is If you replace the words “family member” with yourself, and then replace “substance abuser” with the name of your addicted loved one.

Most people do not realize the depth of change that has taken place within themselves as the result of their relationship with someone addicted to drugs or alcohol. People affected may not see the impact it has had on other members of their family. Many times as a result, there are misplaced emotions and resentment directed solely at the substance user over the family member who may equally be responsible for the continued circumstances.  

Addiction and Mental Health Codependency can create the fear of change and letting go of old behaviors. 

Alcoholics and addicts aren’t the only ones who avoid intervention and treatment. Families often avoid intervention and therapeutic confrontation. The reasons behind their behaviors are far and wide as are the various reasons families state “it will never work” or “they will never go”. The core reason families are fearful is, they see the intervention more about what they will be giving up over what it will be providing them and their loved one. With any other medical concern that requires immediate or near immediate remedy, families would not behave or respond the same way as they do with addressing an addiction.

The fear is not in the change itself; the fear lies in the unknown that comes with change. When a family acquires maladaptive coping skills over time, the coping skills often become the new normal. The longer the addiction is addressed with these coping skills along with codependency and enabling behaviors, the harder it is to change the dynamics. When families ask questions such as what is your success rate, what if they say no or make statements referencing they will never accept help, these are often fear driven questions. The underlying fear is driven by misplaced emotions that they may actually say yes. The thought of a successful intervention can paralyze certain family members depending on their role in the relationship. A person accepting help and going away to treatment can send a translated message to the family that they now need to do something different and change their behaviors. A successful intervention means there is no more hero, no more martyr, and no more codependency. The role of caretaker is now provided by the intervention team and the treatment center. To a codependent enabler who is providing something to another in exchange for comfort to themself can be threatened by an intervention and a successful outcome. 

These behaviors and thoughts of family do not make them bad people, it makes them people who are caught in the grip of another’s addiction and various family roles of behavior. Family members who are emotionally attached and flooded rarely are able to see this is happening. In fact, the mere suggestion of looking at it from this perspective can cause some to be angered. Remember, anger is often brought on by fear. 

Our goal is to help families into the balcony to see this from another perspective. If this were any other medical condition outside of an addiction, family and others close to the addicted person would most likely not address the situation the same way. 

“The most formidable challenge we professionals face is families not accepting our suggested solutions. Rather, they only hear us challenging theirs. Interventions are as much about families letting go of old ideas as they are about being open to new ones. Before a family can do something about the problem, they must stop allowing the problem to persist. These same thoughts and principles apply to your loved one in need of help.”

Mike Loverde, MHS, CIP

Interventions provide professional perspective

If you’ve avoided confronting your loved one with a professional intervention about their addiction and the need for treatment, it could be a result of you protecting your own feelings and role in the family system. When you look at all of the trouble, heartache, and consequences drug and alcohol abuse brings to someone, you may often ask yourself why they do it. Although the reasons people abuse drugs and alcohol are endless, the question is what is it providing that is so great that they would allow it to continue even in the face of extreme consequences? After all, the drugs and alcohol are providing them with something so powerful that they are willing to sacrifice anything and everything to get it. 

Couldn’t the same question be asked of families who allow the devastation to continue for much longer than they would allow other problems to continue? What does the approach of allowing this to continue provide those who are in certain family roles such as hero, martyr, and codependent enabler? What does codependency and enabling provide for someone that they are willing to allow the chaos and confusion to continue and not seek professional intervention, counseling, or guidance? If the current approach did not provide something so needed internally to them, as the substance users need for drugs and alcohol, then they would not do it or would try something different. It is not what you are doing so much as why you’re doing it, or not doing it. 

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